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About Me Member Procrastinator DogurasuMale/United States Recent Activity
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***WARNING. EMOTIONAL RANT AHEAD. DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE ANGSTY JOURNAL POSTINGS.***

***YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.***

There's some old phrase that goes along the lines of "As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror, you're a good man." I have to wonder if this person meant a physical mirror, or something else altogether. I mean, a regular mirror would make sense; you see yourself, you're reminded of all you've done, and if you can't look yourself in the face, you really must have screwed something up in your life. Recent events and interactions with people, however, have held a mirror up to me, and I don't like what I see.

I see... nothing.

There is nothing of substance reflected in that mirror. I'm a little lost for words here; the mirror is reflecting something, but I don't know how to describe it precisely. There's two different visions in my head - one is a translucent shell of what I thought I was, fading into the background; the other is me, as I am, standing in a void. To me, they mean the same thing: I have no impact on the world, or on my friends, or anything that mattered, matters, or will matter to me. (There is a small, silly, role-playing part of me that wants to stuff myself in a bucket and try to give myself away as a Potion or something.)

Yeah, bloody deal with it if you've read this far; I'm emo. Or at least clinically depressed without a diagnosis.

I have friends who don't talk to me unless they need or want something. I have friends who hurt me inadvertently (go on, twist the motherfucking knife, you goddamn Tonberry!!). I have one friend who, frankly, I often feel like I don't deserve. Family that reminds me from time to time just how worthless I am.

...Egad, I really am just a ray of sunshine tonight, aren't I?

There. Warning's in. Moving on.

What I think hurts most of all is that, unless I'm ranting, I can't bring myself to write. That was always something I was proud of, but between a college course and what feels like depression, my will to write is gone. My creativity is dying. It feels like I'm watching myself die - morbid thought, isn't it? Strange, too, as it comes into my head; I'm staring at a ceiling, into a mirror that isn't even there (it's all in my head), and like some crazy victim in a fucked-up B-horror flick, I am watching myself die. Taking notes, even. That's where the journal comes in.

The mirror's a wall, too. The other me is dying, while I'm watching him/me die. There's metaphysical pain, but it's distant - like an itching or something stabbing a thoroughly numbed area of the body. I'm cringing more at watching him than I am at feeling the residual pain, but it's like he doesn't feel it, either. There's just the sad face of a lost and lonely guy staring back at me, like this was inevitable or scheduled with no more thought to it than a doctor's visit.

"Let's see. Get up at 10 AM, shower, lunch at noon, grocery store at 2 PM, come home and have my soul ravaged by razors, salt, lemon, and flaming acid - oh, damn, that was scheduled today, wasn't it? I'm not looking forward to it, but if I prolong it, it's just going to get worse... dinner at 6, maybe I could trade some of those lemons for limes and make some sort of drink later..."

Nah, I don't drink. I don't smoke or gamble or do drugs or anything of that sort. I am, however, apparently addicted to digressing from the topic I'm trying to maintain.

Do I think I'm crazy? That depends on your definition of it, I guess - I've started to see some merit in Kefka Palazzo's final words: "Why create, when it will only be destroyed? Why cling to life, knowing that you have to die? None of it will have meant anything once you do!" But I can tell the difference between fantasy and reality, and I react accordingly. I mean, just because I'd like to be in physical pain to echo the psychological pain in an effort to overcome both doesn't mean I'm actually going to do something to injure myself (you can't get rid of me that easily). But back to the original question: "Do I think I am crazy?"

To some extent, yeah, I do. But so is this world.

Another saying, one that reminds me that I'm not going to die soon: "The good die young because Earth is Hell, and the good don't deserve to endure a lifetime of punishment."

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna be here a while.
  • Mood: Tired
  • Listening to: White noise.
  • Reading: Text.
  • Watching: Computer
  • Playing: ...the fool.
  • Eating: ...my heart out.
  • Drinking: Soda.

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Devious Info

  • Current Residence: Devimaston, Plane of Demons
  • Interests: Writing, RPGs, other stuff I can't say here...
  • Favourite movie: A Knight's Tale
  • Favourite band or musician: Malice Mizer
  • Favourite genre of music: RPG!
  • Favourite artist: Negathus
  • Favourite poet or writer: R. A. Salvatore
  • Favourite style of art: Anime
  • Operating System: Windows... something or other.
  • MP3 player of choice: Phillips. It's the only one I have.
  • Shell of choice: The one I'm wearing now and always.
  • Wallpaper of choice: I plead the fifth on this one.
  • Skin of choice: Manticore fur and scales.
  • Favourite game: Final Fantasy VI.
  • Favourite gaming platform: PS2 and GameCube.
  • Favourite cartoon character: Tails! ^ ^
  • Personal Quote: I don't need other worlds. I have my own.
  • Tools of the Trade: WordPad, Imagination the size of a galaxy, Insanity

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Comments


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:iconcool-welshy:
Thank you kind sir for the watch

--
I don't believe in signatures
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:iconyarkario:
*scampers around your page *

--
[ [link] ] <--- My FA Art Gallery...

[ [link] ] <--- My DA Art Gallery...
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:iconchewymunch:
Thanks for the fav. :la:
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:icondestiny-llama:
Thanks for the Fav!

--
I'm a Christian and I'm not afraid to shout it to the world!

"Though the dead forget their dead in the House of Death"-The Iliad, Book XXII, verse 458.
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:iconmytiko-chan:
thanks for :+fav: my dissidia comic "yank" :D
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:iconbuki-cheese:
Thanks for the faves! :hug:

--
Moved to ~Tori-34
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:iconyarkario:
Meep????

--
[ [link] ] <--- My FA Art Gallery...

[ [link] ] <--- My DA Art Gallery...
Reply
:icondaughter-of-myou:
thanks for the watch!! :hug:

--
Detail is the difference between a sketch and a lush oil painting. As a writer, words are your paint. Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. Fill the paper with the breathings of your heart. Use all the colours.
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:iconmeta-fish:
Huh wow, thanks for the fave. No way you read it that fast though so I'm curious why you favorited it. XD
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:icondogurasu:
I'm a fast reader. I've been known to read 300 pages in about an hour. XD

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Did someone put a gun to your head or a knife to your throat and force you to read this?
...If so, copy and paste this into your signature!
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